But there’s sex in there, right?

A friend from college asked me to send her my books and said her cousin, Goran, would pick them up, since he was passing through Loznica. We arranged to meet for a coffee. It was easy to spot him: mid-thirties, prison haircut, a T-shirt with huge print, flashy sneakers. I struggled to understand why anyone who’s no longer in his teens would wear flashy sneakers anywhere outside the gym. We ordered coffee and I put the books on the table. He looked at them with a fair amount of skepticism...

(What follows is our conversation that ensued. The abridged version.)

-   Sooo, you write?

-   Yeah…

-   What about?

-   The Slavs.

-   Oh, so you write about the Serbs? That’s a good topic.

-   Not the Serbs, the Slavs.

-   I get it, I get it, you write about us.

-   Yes, all of us.

-   So, the Yugoslavs.

-   Not just the Yugoslavs, the Slavs in general… actually, I write about Slavic gods and Slavic mythology.

       (he laughs and takes the books, looks at them and frowns at the stylized             kolovrat)

-  Isn’t this that symbol of Hitler’s?

-   No.

-   What do you mean “no”? This looks awfully like a swastika to me.

-   That’s a kolovrat.

-   Kolo-what?

-   Kolovrat, the symbol of Svarog.

-   Who’s that?

-   The supreme god of the Old Slavs.

-   Are you trying to say that the Slavs are fascists?

-  (fascists???) Of course not. The Nazis just borrowed the swastika symbol. It is a really powerful symbol. It represents… (he opens The Scent of Legacy and takes a look at the prologue)

-   What’s this, Rügen, the Federal Republic of Germany? Is that where the plot takes place?

-   Most of the time.

-   So you’re writing about us being supporters of Hitler?

-   Excuse me?

-   Well, first there was that fascist symbol (fascist??), and now there’s Germany.

-   Actually, the plot takes place on the Cape Arkona. And that’s not a Nazi symbol, kolovrat is a major symbol in many ancient religions.

-   So that’s why you named your trilogy Arkona?

-   Well, yeah…

-   Why Arkona? Why didn’t you come up with a nicer name?

-   Well, that’s what the cape is called. It was the last stronghold of the Old Slavs… The fortress, the temples…

-   Well, I’ve never heard of that, and I go to Munich all the time.

-   Not many people have heard of it. I didn’t know the whole story about the Ruyans and the Cape Arkona myself. I discovered it a couple of years ago.

-   Who the hell are the Ruyans?

-   That’s what they called the Slavs who lived on the Cape Arkona.

-   In Germany?  

-   Yes, in Germany.

-   Hahaha, that’s right, I remember reading somewhere that the Germans are actually of Serbian origin.

-   That’s simply not true.

-   If it’s not true, why do you say that the Serbs and those Slavs of yours lived in Germany?

-   That’s because the Slavs really lived there. The Baltic Slavs.

-   Never heard of that.

-   That’s what they called the ones living on the coast of the Baltic Sea.

-   Who cares about them? You should write about us only.

-   Well, I care, because I’m a Slav, I love my origin and I respect all Slavic peoples.

-   Yeah, you know what they say, combined with the Russians, there are 300 million of us.

-   Haha, there’s a lot more, the Russians are not the only Slavs out there.

-   Right, right, the former Yugoslavia, apart from the Croats, and then there’s Belarus, and Russia… there’s quite a lot of us.

-   And Ukraine, Bulgaria, Croatia, Poland, the Czech Republic, Slovakia, and the Ruthenes and the Lusatian Serbs…

-   Hahahaha, what do the Czech and the Polish have to do with us?

-   Are you kidding me?

-   Nope, why?

-   How could you ask something like that? What do you think they are?

-   Well, it’s far more likely that they’re Germans.

-   Germans? Like Germanic people?

-   Oh, you stubborn woman, I don’t know if they are Germanic or not, but they’re catholic, so they can’t be Slavs!

-   Religion has nothing to do with someone’s origin. The Slavs can be orthodox, catholic, protestant or Muslim when it comes to religion.

-   Muslims? Are you trying to say that someone who performs Salah instead of praying to Jesus has the same origin as you and I? 

-   Exactly, the new religions came much later.

-   What kind of Slavs would convert to Islam and Catholicism? I’ve been to Prague and Poland several times, and I’m telling you, they have nothing to do with us, it’s more likely they’re Germans. The Latin alphabet, hello! They’re not like our orthodox brothers.

-   Have you ever spent a holiday in Greece? 

-   I spend all my summers in Greece. I feel right at home there.

-   And you understand their language?

-   No way, I only learned ela and elo, but everyone speaks Serbian there…

-   And when you were in Prague or Warsaw, could you understand a word or two?

-   Well, yeah, it’s like some weird kind of Serbian, like Slovak.

-   And you understand Russian most of the time?

-   Well, yes, they use the Cyrillic alphabet like we do.

-   And the Croats, they don’t use the Cyrillic alphabet, but you understand everything, right?

-   Of course I do, apart from those new words they keep making up.

-   So, when you go to Greece, which is an orthodox country, you can’t understand a word they’re saying?

(he squints, processing the information)

-   And when you go to Poland, which is a catholic country, you understand some words?

-   So, what you’re trying to tell me is that I should be fonder of the Czechs than of my orthodox Greek brothers? 

-   No, what I’m trying to tell you is that you have the same origin as the Western Slavs, since we all originate from the Proto-Slavs. That’s why you should respect all Slavs, regardless of their religion.

-   Let me tell you something, sister, I’d quit writing if I were you. Who cares about those Proto-Slavs and the origin…

-   Isn’t it nice to understand the origin of your blood? To know that you belong to one of the oldest peoples in the world? How do you expect others to respect you when you yourself don’t care about your roots and tradition?

(he sits in silence and starts flipping through the books again)

- So, practically, what you’re telling us in your books is that we are all one.

-   Well, yes, indirectly. Purpure, the main character, she’s a descendant of all Slavic peoples. However, what I write about is Slavic mythology, our ancient gods, myths, customs… I just employ a somewhat different approach.

-   You are writing about us being pagans.

-   Well, that’s what we were once. Although I’m not that fond of that term.

-   Savages, then.

-   We weren’t savages, we were simply polytheists. You see, in my books, the Slavic gods are present in today’s world…

-   Are you in a sect?

-   Of course not. Why would you think that?

-   Well, you’re writing about some ancient gods being real. You’re writing against the church.

-   Dude, I write fiction. I’m not writing against the church, I’m just trying to find a more simple way to introduce people to our original faith.

-   Original faith? Paganism, you mean. Why in the world would we need that? 

-   So we could know who we were 2000 years ago. So we could realize how interesting our own mythology is… Let me ask you, do you know who Zeus is?

-   Of course.

-   And Perun?

-   A pagan god.

-   What about Aphrodite, Apollo?

-   Sure I do, they’re Greek deities.

-   And Thor, Loki?   

-   Hahaha, I’m a fan of The Avengers, of course I know who Thor is.

-   So, do you believe that The Avengers are speaking against the church, since they place Thor in today’s world?

-   Well, no…

-   And do you know who Lada, Svantovit and Dazhbog are?

-   No, but I’m sure they’re some gods of yours.

-   So you are familiar with Greek and Nordic mythology, but not your own?

-   ‘Cause there are no movies about it.  

-   That’s what I’m trying to tell you, my book is not a movie, but it is still a modern story.

(he shakes his head)

-  And what do these gods do in your books? Do they fight?

-   Among other things…

-   And the fights are between…?

-   The gods of Yav fight against the gods of Nav.

-   What are those?

-   Yav is where the good guys come from, and Nav is the home of the bad guys.

-   And they all have supernatural, magical powers, spears and stuff?

-   Well, yeah…

(he laughs out loud)

-  So, that’s kinda like Lord of the Rings?

-   No, epic fantasy is not my genre.

-   Well, it sounds a lot like WoW…

-   Not everything is epic fantasy. There are a lot of different subgenres.

-   It’s good that it’s not like LotR, I hate that movie, boring as hell. Anyway, I’m glad I’ve met you, I haven’t laughed this much in a while. I can’t believe my cousin paid for this. You’re really lucky, having all that spare time to write about things no one cares about.  

-   You know what, actually, I write about sex.

(suddenly, he looks at me with admiration and excitement and starts flipping through books with much more enthusiasm)

-  You’ve got sex in here?

-   That’s right.

(he’s carefully turning the pages)

-   The real kind?

-   The real kind.

-   Fifty Shades of Gray real?

-   Not really, but there’s sex alright.

-   Where? (he grins)

-   Somewhere in there, Purpure and Lirai are screwing their brains out.

-   Who’s Lirai?

-   Actually, he’s the Slavic god of war and spring. Yarilo.

-   Yarilo?

-   Yup.

-   You couldn’t come up with a better name? It sounds ridiculous.

-   I didn’t make it up, that’s what the Slavs called him. Yar means rage, fury, and he’s the god of war…

-   Either way, it’s stupid, it should’ve been something awesome, like Thor (still carefully flipping through the books). I’m not surprised that people don’t care about Slavic mythology. All the gods have such stupid names.

-     You know what, I was wrong…

-  About what?

-   You’re not a Slav at all (I get up and I’m ready to leave). I’ve got to go.  

-   Wait a second, what do you mean by that?

-   Well, the Slavs normally don’t have such a small… (I was going to say brain, but by the look of his face, I am pretty certain he’s expecting something else)

-   Small… what?!

-   Thumbs!

He looks at his hands, utterly perplexed.   

-  You’re serious?

-   As a heart attack.

-   So what does that make me?

   (a fool!!!)

-   How should I know, I haven’t got a PhD in genetics, I’m just a silly writer. Try googling “small thumbs”.

    I walk away as he stares at the Google search results. I smile naughtily, knowing what Google will tell him.

  Note to self: Stop trying to explain to people what your books are about. Life’s too short. 

*

Mr Cellophane

When it comes to the Old Slavs, the gods are divided into two teams: team Jav – the good guys, and team Nav – the bad guys. The teams host a wide variety of demons – typical scoundrels, and demigods – mostly some nice creatures who are fond of the gods more than they are of mortals, but do right by the people anyway. They are used to sucking it up – as long as the gods give them a job, a paycheck or an occasional pat on the back, they don’t complain. At least not publicly – fake Twitter account activity doesn’t count.

And yes… there is also Talason.

Talason is a domestic demon originating from the Balkans, who suffers from a bad kind of narcissistic personality disorder. Although he has his own team, or kind, he belongs to, the little mister domestic demon is not satisfied with who he is. He’d like to be something much, much greater than that, greater than Caliph instead of the Caliph, greater than Kanye West, this evil little guy would like to be a god.

He doesn’t favor any particular team, nor gender (if you catch my drift), all he covets is a divine membership card in the top pocket of his coat, or at least a business card with the following inscription in calligraphic gold font:

Talason, PhD, MD, LAPD Occupation: GOD!

Ok, I know, everyone dreams of being something greater, and that’s fine, at least according to life coaches, and if a bad actor from Western movies can become the president of the USA, then Talason can surely become a big shot in Jav/Nav. Especially since he hasn’t become what he is overnight – he’d earned his degree fair and square. And his resume seems rather cool: 

Talason, licensed spirit in charge of protecting public buildings.

Job description: protecting edifices and supervising the construction.

One would say: such a nice job, well-paid, especially in the West – so what seems to be the problem?

The problem is that he considers himself to be more important than the architect, the contractor, the masons, even the clients.

In his mind, he is the Alpha and the Omega of the project, so it really pisses him off that no human can see him, apart from the ones born on Tuesday, and even they see him as nothing but a dark shadow (the legend says that only dogs can see him in his true form).  

Yet, in spite of his invisibility, everyone knows that, whenever a construction site pops up, Talason will be right there, meddling and whispering all kinds of crazy ideas to the masons.

“During the construction phase, masons would measure the shadow of a passerby and build it into the edifice. On these occasions, the masons would use silk thread and the person whose shadow was built into the edifice would die in 40 days.”

Really, who could like such a guy, when you never know whose life could come to an end thanks to his meddling ways? That’s why people avoided walking past construction sites, mothers didn’t let their children play near them, hotties wore turtlenecks, the rich kids of Instagram went back to their parents in the suburbs or demanded to be sent to prison. Life in prison was better than ending up as Talason’s victim.

And Talason… well, he simply doesn’t see it that way. He believes that a tiny human sacrifice for the sake of the building is nothing to fuss about.

Still, I have to admit, while I was reading about Talason, I couldn’t help but feel sorry for the guy. All that studying, all that hard work in the gym, so many skipped dinners and expensive suits, and still no one sees him, apart for the ones born on Tuesday, who see him as a shadow, and dogs, and he’s a cat person…

In the end, his huge desire to be seen and worshiped has driven him insane, and now, instead of a domestic demon dealing death around constructions sites, we are dealing with a domestic demon who does not only kill random strangers, but also thinks that he’s a god.

And the craziest part is that this guy is the Slavic Littlefinger when it comes to plots, so I wouldn’t be surprised if he really ended up being a god one day. Especially now, when he got lucky, and a certain Mercybearer born on Tuesday sees him as a stud, not just a faceless shadow…

To be continued…